Mommy’s Little Darling…

Ah… my “little” dastard.  What can I say about my beautiful pod?  What can’t I say about my pod.  I believe I will start with tread carefully when they are sweet beautiful babies.  YOU ARE IN DANGEROUS GROUND!  You want a bad little child… pray for it.  I know this to be factual, all of my friends that had sweet babies, now have pods.  All of my friends with screaming, throwing themselves on the floor, tantrum children have “young adults” now.  The pod left before they became big enough to swear.

They say the end of the world is coming today, and I can’t help but wonder… am I going to get a bedazzled golden crown?  I think I deserve one, I mean I’ve managed not to kill the pod for going on 7 years now.  I should get a nice golden sceptre, a mansion, and a nanny.  Because, let’s face it the pod will always need tending to.  I’ve prayed for this since the age of 13(his not mine).  However, it never happens.  They say it like every couple of years, and still here we are.

Now, I’m sure you are thinking to yourselves, how could she talk about her child like that?  Well, because I’ve lived with him for his entire little life.  He went from angel to devil in the period of 19 years.  Although, I joke all the time and the truth of the matter is no matter how homicidal my pod makes me feel at times… would I trade him?  Never!!!  Not only has he given me character, strength, endurance, patience, and grey hair, but he is learning all of those things too.  I was a terrorist when I was a teenager, or so my mother says.  I don’t believe it(Hehe).  So, all jokes aside, my pod is my baby.  He will always be mommy’s little dastard.  There will never come a day when I wouldn’t lay down and die for him and I’m sure there will never come a month that I won’t want to kill him at least once.  I wouldn’t trade that for a million bucks.

But readers beware… underneath the beautiful smiles of your 10 month old to your 10-year-old, there is a pod waiting to emerge.  So, brace yourselves, it will be a bumpy ride… actually it will be more like rafting off of Niagara Falls.  Happy trails to you, from me and mommy’s little darling;-)


Where o’ where has my little mind gone?

I lie awake and wonder… what has happened to my black flip flops?  Didn’t I used to know things like that?  I could find little dastard’s ear buds for his iPod in a 2 story 9 room house(not bedrooms, just 9 rooms).  I had that mom x-ray vision or at least the ability to remember where he would go in the house and say, “Hang on a minute and I’ll find them.” Bada Boom Bada Bang… ear buds!

I truly believe that my child has sucked out my brain juice… when the pod person entered his body, I think it’s little tentacles stretch out of his ear during the night and into my ear to feed.  I wouldn’t know, the child always falls asleep with his T.V. on so there is always noise.  Also, I wake up with a cat just about ON my face.  I believe she may be trying to save my brain and attack the tentacles in the night.  But a lass, they appear to be quite wiley, as I seem to be continuing to lose brain function.

Case in point, I went into the kitchen just 5 minutes ago to get something.  What did I go in there for?  I don’t know, seriously I have no idea.  If you know, please tell me.  FOR GOD’S SAKE HELP ME!  

I’m afraid to speak of this, fore the pod may find out and it could just finish me off instead of slowly sucking my brains out through my ear.  Whenever my little dastard wakes up with his cute little sleepy face and messy curly hair, I hug him and smooch his neck.  He thinks it’s because it tickles him and I’m doing it to bug him in the morning when he’s grouchiest, but no!  I am actually looking into his ear to see if I can see the damn thing without it suspecting anything. However, since the pod is 19 years old, it doesn’t clean it’s ears very often.  I think it’s to hide the creature within.  But, as I said.  I say nothing.

One day, I fear that I won’t be able to say anything at all, because I won’t remember how to talk!  I mean it’s going fast… which isn’t very comforting, I thought there were more brains there then apparently were.  First it was little things, car keys, “To Go” mug of coffee on the counter, my lunch in the fridge.  Now I live in a 1 story 5 room duplex, and I can’t find entire pairs of shoes, my purse, at least 1 of the 3 pairs of glasses I own!  I mean, the pod has 1 and 1/2 of the rooms…

So, to all of you reading this… I am going down like the Titanic SAVE ME… SAVE ME BEFORE THE POD FINISHES DINNER!!!!  

Because all of things I’ve lost, misplaced, and can’t remember… it’s my mind I’d like to find the most.

The Face that Launched a Thousand Grey Hairs….


This is the same face I’ve seen since he was 3 years old.   People say that when your kids grow up and go off to college, you are then faced with the challenge of learning how to deal with your baby being, “All grown up”.  The empty nest syndrome.  Ha!

I’m here to tell you… it’s propaganda!!!  Not true, not true in the least.  They never “fly” away.  My son came over last week, he wanted some money for “groceries”.  Umm humm… Anyway, I told him that he had been given his allowance for the month and that it was his responsibility to budget those funds.  I launched into the financial responsibility lecture(that I have repeated at least 150 times).  I promptly received the upper left look.  When he whined, “But mom, stuff is more expensive than I thought.  I don’t get enough money for the month.”  I told him, “Sorry kid, things are tough all over.  Hey, is that a new shirt?”  Next thing I know… we have the bottom right picture.  To which I responded, “Last time I went to the bathroom… it was funny, no money came out!  Rub a lamp child, you aren’t gettin’ any money!!”

So my friends… 19 months or 19 years, these faces never change.  Get used to them.  All I need to do is put facial hair and tattoos on these, and there you have it, the perpetual tantrum face.

Come on… be honest, you gave your mom this face at least once this year too!

This is why Clairol invented hair color for grey hair, and they sell the hell out of it!

We’re Creepy and we’re kooky…

We’re all together ooky… The Lewis Family!

You rang?

So, you may be wondering… hell, I don’t know what you’re wondering!  But, yes we are kooky!  Life behind the walls of the Lewis family home has many hidden doors, booby traps, flesh eating plants, and an Uncle Fester like step-father.

My child, Patronizingly(can’t call him Pugsley, he isn’t chubby), but he is a maniacal, dastardly, imp, who is indeed also patronizing.  You can never tell if he is going to light the house on fire… he’s already tried burning down the dock.  Thank goodness for neighbors.

It’s a shame we don’t also have a dungeon in the basement.  Don’t worry, you will get many more stories of my son’s dastardly deeds… which you will then agree, I need a dungeon in the basement.  Maybe also a hand in a box… that would really make my life so much easier, seeing as I have one that doesn’t work very well.  Now that I think of it, neither does my son.  Haha!

However, being the matriarch and Morticia of my world… I do have the powers of snark and the dark side on my side. At any moment I may call upon my flying monkeys and dispatch of any troublesome behavior.  I may not have a dungeon, but I have rope and flying monkeys!