When you are young, everyday is fresh and full of possibilities. You look upon your life as a sunflower field that you can run and swirl in… dance and fall down, in ecstatic frenzy. Wild abandon. Caught in the beauty that goes on as far as your eye can see, fingertips touching the ethereal, soft, exquisite flesh of flowers all around you. Drawn in by the smells, the touch, the beauty of it all. You don’t worry, you don’t anger, you don’t see the fall coming…stripping the lovely and brazen orange, yellow faces from the delicate necks, leaving them naked, exposed, ugly. No, you never see the fall.
The problem is, have you ever actually been in a sunflower field. I have. It’s like being in a corn field. You run in… you get lost. You don’t think about it at first, all you can think is, “Ahhh… look at these gorgeous sunflowers!” and then after you’ve gotten your ya-ya’s out, you turn to go back. But, back where? Where the hell am I? I’m lost in this maze of huge flowers and I can’t see my way out!!! You no longer see the beauty that surrounds you, the joy of innocence is lost, as lost as you are. The textures, the smells, the exhilaration, no longer exists in your consciousness. It has been replaced by fear, frustration, and anger. How could I be so stupid? What was I thinking?
I am currently lost in the maze. I keep turning corners only to find I am faced with where I was, not where I am headed. The worst part is, I have done this before. I have run into the field many, many times before. It seems I am like the goldfish… the castle is a surprise every time.
Love is life… life is love. Love and life are the sunflower fields. I don’t know about anyone else, but I always forget the breadcrumb trail. I don’t think about finding my way, I just run in… fresh faced and ignorant. This time will be different. It never is. Love of family, whether it be blood or bond, seems to blind you to the reality of past experience. Hope springs eternal, and the appeal of the flowers overpowering. The lure of my selective memories to powerful to ignore, I plunge in… then blunder, fumble, stumble, and fall(not joyfully)on my face. When I get up, face full of mud, I can’t figure out what happened. It’s as if I have love(family)amnesia. I am utterly dumbfounded each time I get lost.